King Green James Jr. II’s name is far too stupid for a regular king, but is entirely appropriate for someone on the Future Council of the Wyld Stallyns-based utopia. One can only assume that future rulers would also be inspired not only by the bodacious music, but also by the most excellent names of Ted “Theodore” Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esquire.
Oh, hello, friend. I heard you think there’s something sexy and mysterious about an eyepatch. You might think there aren’t all that many eyepatch boyfriends, but in Romancelandia, they’re all over the darn place (enough so that I made a goofy new graphic)!
As always, have I got a boyfriend for you! Continue reading “Matchmaking in Progress: Eyepatch Edition I”
So you live in…a hotel bar?
I mean, I guess if you went full-on Daft Punk and filled the transparent piano up with LEDs and like a planetarium and it could project a bunch of lasers and a hologram of Liberace or Freddie Mercury, then I can understand why you might want to have this piano in your house.
There is no way to make the “Campus Jazz” saxophonist silhouette cool, however, and the plastic of the piano is gonna turn yellow and cracked in 10 years anyway. Yuck.
Oh, hello, friend. I heard that you have a thing for super-cute baby animals. Have I got a boyfriend for you!
Allow me to present your new boyfriend, Caesar.
Oh good lord. I know I complain sometimes about characters not having creative enough costumes.. But do I really deserve this?! (spoiler: probably)
My guy here just showed up in the game that I’m playing, but based on his intense abs and the fact that he has an actual body, I assume I will date him at some point. Here are the things I know about him so far based on information provided in-game:
- He is a werewolf.
- He is into kicking.
I guess his his stylish shackles and muzzle are to show he can’t bite or punch you, and I presume he wears them voluntarily to show off his kicking because kicking is generally not a werewolf thing, and he’d like to take the road less traveled, etc. I will say, when my dog gets into bed with us, she curls up into a little ball, but then expands in the night and kicks us really a lot, and it is pretty annoying. So I say, go for it, Kicking Werewolf. Live your best life.
Oh, hello, friend. I heard you are worried about the environment. If so, have I got the boyfriend for you!
This is supposed to be the interior of a cruise ship, but instead it looks like something from a crazy dystopian future where the internet really is a series of literal pipes through which flows liquid evil.
Oh, hello there. Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. A clan of sexy renegade shinobi moved in next to the Kaleido Leopard enclosure, so, needless to say, work’s been a bit busy.
Let’s pick back up with Match 11 of the Boyfriend Bracket, a pointless contest to figure out which of the ever-increasing bevy of singles in the free-to-play game Love Tangle meets whatever criteria you have deemed appropriate to earn the illustrious, completely meaningless title of: Your Boyfriend.
Oh, hello, friend. I heard you’re buying a new television. Have I got a boyfriend for you!
Let’s all agree that, should someone implore you to not give them blue balls, you must immediately and permanently give them the bluest balls they have ever experienced.
Like those balls should be so blue someone’s grandma tries to bake them into a cobbler. Those balls should be the level of blue you only get by selling your soul at the crossroads. There should be a French movie called Your Balls is the Warmest Color. They should be so blue that Bob Ross is painting with the color “prussian balls.” Miles Davis should have released a seminal (heh) album called Kind of Your Balls.