Match 2: Indomitable Vocalist Valentin Blom vs. Perfervid Firefighter Lex Caraballo

Welcome back to Match 2 of the Bad Best Boyfriend Bracket: Indomitable Vocalist Valentin Blom vs. Perfervid Firefighter Lex Caraballo.

Spoiler: This one nearly broke me.

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All right, let’s deal with the elephant in the room.

that word

I’m going to talk about the “word” “perfervid” here in a second, I swear, but first…

Let’s play a game called Make Up A Definition for the Obviously Fake Word Perfervid! 

More will come after the poll. Don’t cheat and read ahead. We’ll all know, okay?

Cool. Let’s keep going.

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Speaking of adjectives that are really real and not fake, is vocalist Valentin Blom actually “indomitable?” I don’t know, but I like Valentin because he appears to be wearing what my husband noted is “the finger part of a pair of fingerless gloves.” It’s the sartorial equivalent of a donut hole: I assumed the lack of a thing did not indicate it actually existed, but there it is!

Is seeing only part of a man’s palm considered to be erotic? I mean, I can kind of visualize Grace Jones wearing these gloves, which is a pretty big plus in my book.

grace

Sadly, we don’t know much more about Valentin other than that he has erotic palms. His pull quote indicates that he is singing you a song. I guess that’s a nice gesture, but he is a vocalist. It’s his job to sing songs for people. I hope it’s a nice song, and not something insulting in the Carly Simon/Ugly Kid Joe vein.

(On an unrelated note, isn’t the beginning of “You’re So Vain” wonderful? Something tells me that Valentin isn’t working with a Carly Simon-level of talent, but who knows.)

What kind of music does Valentin make? The shape of that belt buckle is a little bit country-western and a little bit goth, but that glove is straight up Lady Gaga in the “Poker Face” video.

Valentin’s got a v-neck shirt thing going on, paired with some kind of black-and-silver brocade tuxedo jacket. A friend of mine wore something like that to my wedding, so I’m biased.

I have two guesses for Valentin’s musical aesthetic. One of them is more generous than the other.


…..

Let’s pause for a second here.

I write all of my posts in advance by at least a week, so I have time to edit them for spelling and maximum jokes. So almost everything you read above that little line up there is stuff I worked on for a while. I finish the posts early and then put them in a queue to post, so I don’t have to worry about them being on time.

I was supposed to put this part of the bracket up on Saturday, but a few days before, I wasn’t happy with the screenshots I was able to find for Valentin and Lex. They’re relatively new characters on Love Tangle, so there’s less easily obtainable content. And Lex has his obviously stupid word that I’m going to make fun of in a second, but I didn’t have much else to say about Valentin. Based on screenshots I was able to find, I thiiiink he might have a disease or something, but I mostly want to go on bad first impressions of these dudes.

So, despite my desire to avoid doing actual work for this blog other than bullshitting, I went and did a little investigation. I played some of this shitty game looking for clues about what kind of music this guy with half-naked hands played. I went and looked at some YouTube videos.

Here is what I found:

scadoxus2
*record scratch*

Excuse me?

What is a–

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*angry cat yowl in background* *sound of glass breaking*

SCADOXUS.

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SCADOXUS. It’s the name of Valentin’s band.

WHAT THE SHIT IS A SCADOXUS, you might be asking yourself. IT IS OBVIOUSLY A BULLSHIT, MADE-UP WORD, ONE THAT I HATE.

You just hold that thought for a second, Reader.

Let’s pretend everything is normal again, and you actually just read a joke about how maybe Valentin looks like he does really good or really bad covers of Kate Bush songs. Let’s pretend we live in that world again, and I was happy with what I wrote.

We’re going to jump to Lex. I’ll come back to Scadoxus, don’t you worry.


I’ll broach the easy stuff with firefighter Lex Caraballo, first.

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He’s a firefighter, which makes his desire to “save you at all cost” and his fiery red hair make sense. So there’s a coherent thing going on there, which is nice. Colors are meaningful. He’s passionate.

If Lex has an overall sartorial theme, I guess I’d go with…saggy? He seems to have followed the school of anime fashion where you can’t ever quite get your coat on your body. His shirts are kind of wrinkly and baggy, and I assume that his pants are hanging down a little too low, too.

When I was in high school I think I dated at least two boys who dressed like this, which was totally fine in the 90’s. They listened to Korn, if that tells you anything. I mean, I was listening to a lot of Tool at the time, so who am I to judge?

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one-suspender=still a bit saggy, even at work

He’s also got his little one-shoulder suspender firefightin’ sprite, which he rocks while recommending possibly the trashiest food at the fancy-ass boulangerie. I respect that about him. He’s obviously a sweetie.

But is he…perfervid?

It’s probably what you came here to find out. It will probably dictate your vote. It’s probably the most interesting thing about him. Is firefighter Lex Caraballo actually “perfervid?”

First off, no, he is not, because that is obviously a made-up, bullshit word.

Lemme just–

perfervid
WHAT

Joke’s on me–it’s a real, actual word.

I only looked it up because I knew “fervid” was a word, and I wanted to double-check before I joked about how the word “perfervid” doesn’t exist. I mean, I specialized in Victorian lit in undergrad, and I’ve never seen this word. There’s a wavy red line under it no matter what program I type it out on.

I thought maybe it was a misspelling of “perverted.” But he seems like a bit of a cinnamon roll, right?

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this guy loves hot dogs too earnestly to be a perv

I even asked my buddy with a PhD in English Lit with a focus on in Victorian and neo-Victorian writing, and she’s never seen it either. So good job: you stumped us, game writer.

Perfervid is a word.

NOW PUT DOWN THE FUCKING THESAURUS. I never want to see this word again.

(According to Google this word is generally used to refer to Scotsmen and Presbyterians, FYI. This doesn’t not match with Lex–he does have red hair, I suppose.)


……

Oh, hello.

It’s me again, your tragic hero.

Have you guessed how I was punished for my hubris, Reader?

I learned my lesson with “perfervid.” So I did what needed to be done. I could feel my fate looming before me.

scadoxussss
GODDAMMIT

“Scadoxus” is a word, too. OF COURSE IT IS A WORD.

It’s a blood lily. NAME YOUR BAND “BLOOD LILY,” YOU WORTHLESS PERSON. THAT IS A GOOD NAME FOR A BAND, not a REALLY STUPID ONE like SCADOXUS.

Fine. You win, Love Tangle.

So who wins this matchup? What kind of music do you think Valentin actually makes? Does Lex still listen to Korn? Did you know that “perfervid” was an actual word? Feel free to discuss & debate in the comments.

Whatever. I wrote that summary bit when I was not a shriveled-up husk of a human. I’m out.

Polls will close next Saturday. You can still vote for Carlo or Naoki until Wednesday.

I can’t even.

Jesus wept.