Match 4: Hero Impartial Officer Ike Barnes vs. Genius Researcher Moses Jackson

Welcome to Match 4 of the Boyfriend Bracket. Today we’re choosing between Hero Impartial Officer Ike Barnes and Genius Researcher Moses Jackson.

Well, heck, these guys look relatively normal and well-adjusted, don’t they? One guy is a hero something-or-other and the other guy is into science! What could go wrong?

everything, obviously

Let’s start with Hero Impartial Officer Ike Barnes. I have my doubts about his job title, but I have learned my lesson and will not immediately dismiss it as made-up, but only stupid-sounding. But I mean…he’s a Hero, right? I like heroism. That bodes well.

The first time Ike appeared in a route I was playing, this is what he said:

“and then I will tell you about this cool book I read called The Fountainhead”

As we can tell from the absurdly pained expression on the face of Elite Lawyer Nolan “Arvin” Zarek, Jr., Ike has essentially emitted the conversational equivalent of a fart.

“Debating the true meaning of justice” was the sort of thing my eight-year-old self thought happened in law school. It seemed awesome. It’s not.

I don’t know about y’all, but the first part of my college experience was spent realizing that it’s incredibly tedious to date guys like this, and the second part was spent not dating them. I guess encountering this archetype of “18-year-old-trying-to-act-like-a-lawyer” in a video game means that maybe real teens can go through the process without having to actually engage with such people in real life. So, you know it’s a public service sort of thing. For teens.

MAN, I still want to make fun of Hero Impartial Officer Ike Barnes‘ obviously bogus job title. I want to so bad.  But…I’ve learned my lesson.  I started to look it up “impartial officer” online, didn’t get any clear results, thought about delving deeper, and realized: I don’t actually care. So I gave up.

The game will tell us if it wants us to know, I figured, and if not, well, we’ll make something up. Luckily, our intrepid heroine is also confused about what he does. Let’s see what Ike himself has to say about his job.

“I’m here! did someone say they needed help debating the true meaning of justice?”

Okay, he…answers cries for help. Unless anyone who works in the legal field wants to offer a guess, we will have to base our information about these “impartial officers” on a conversation between Ike and Trustworthy Policeman Dean Price, a fellow Boyfriend Bracketeer (showing up in Match 6).

sadly the citizenry are assholes. they only deserve 3% peace and security so that’s what they get

Uh-huh. Well, that’s…vague, if high-minded. Cries for help, peace and security.

It probably needs to be mentioned that this is what Ike wears when he goes fishing. You can tell he means business because his sleeves are rolled up just below his elbows.

thank you for reminding me, an impartial officer, of my excessive popularity, Detective Exposition

Who would have thought a man could love both justice and also fishing. Ike is just like us, fellow voters: he fishes wearing a vest and a tie! And we love him for it. Like, so much.

Poor Dean is going to be tickled about being called a “justice ally” for an entire week when Ike really just says that to literally anyone who approaches him.

and how i’m going to go fishing instead of protecting them

For reals tho, guys, what’s an impartial officer?

we’re like public prosecutors except we also debate the true meaning of justice

Yeah whatever. I stopped caring about Ike’s job like two screenshots ago. He’s obviously a Hero Fancy, Big-City Lawyer. I mean, look at the guy.

why don’t i get a cute legal nickname like lil lady justice

That’s not a bad outfit, but Ike, are you wearing two vests, the top one of which has stupidly placed buttons?

In Ike’s defense, I think his character design makes him look pretty darn hot, multiple vests or no. Well-dressed, broad shoulders, sultry eyes, confident smile. I personally think that he’s the most smokin’ of our bachelors and lady-bachelor so far (Valentin’s sexy half-gloved hands notwithstanding).

never trust a man who won’t debate the true meaning of justice with you

But he’s just…really annoying. I honestly get the feeling that the only person who thinks Hero Impartial Officer Ike Barnes is a hero is…Ike Barnes.

I mean, Ike will not shut up about justice and protecting the weak.

ike poor people are not ventriloquist dummies

The places where he pontificates include a) a high-society party b) a fishing pier where he is wearing 2/3 of a 3-piece suit and c) the beach, staring off into the ocean. In none of these locales is he doing any actual work on either justice or helping out the weak. Unless he’s giving some fish away, I guess.

Okay, I’m not being 100% truthful. Sometimes Ike takes a break and tries to flirt with you by calling you “little rabbit.” Ew.

if people are hunting the most dangerous game nearby maybe an impartial officer should look into that

Okay, that’s really enough screenshots of Ike. Honestly, this guy is definitely hot and is supposed to be a total justice virtuoso, but he really just says the stupidest things. I couldn’t help but want to show my treasures to you. But we better move on!

Here’s another guy who’s supposed to be smart; let’s see how he compares.

the choice of perspective in this picture is…unfortunate.

Do you like the color orange? Well have I got the man for you! It’s Genius Researcher Moses Jackson!

I had so many feelings and moods about Moses that I made a moodboard to really express all of the feels I have about him.

tangerine dreamboat

It is rare that a character design makes me think of a particular kind of fabric, but Moses Jackson is a polar fleece man, all the way. You know his jacket, vest, and scarf are all fleece, and when you go over to his house he’s probably got a nice orange fleece blanket on his couch. You will snuggle under it and watch nature shows.

Since both of his outfits are orange, I can only presume that all of his clothing is orange. Generally, orange doesn’t look real good on redheads, but I guess Moses gotta do Moses.

Speaking of how Moses do, he’s one of our first characters that has an honest-to-god well-conceived personality quirk: he has no sense of direction.

serenely contemplating the orange fleece socks found when stumbling into REI

I actually really dig this kind of character development, because it often starts off one-dimensional and then is developed from there. If your character has a solid core, you always have that hook to build on. I don’t know if “gets lost all the time” will actually lead to anything interesting with Moses, but it has a lot more dramatic potential than “constantly wants to debate the true meaning of justice and/or talk about how cool they are.”

Case in point, a party:

ha ha and they sold it to the government and now they track everyone in real time

Moses goes to a party, shows up late because he got lost, and talks about his last job, where his fellow scientists built a tracking system to find him. Now we know things about Moses.

he is kissing his fingers like an italian chef at how legit he is

Ike goes to a party and…tries to debate other party goers about the true meaning of justice and talks about how cool he is. We know things about Ike too, like that he is lame and appears to have no past or life story.

Don’t get me wrong: I bet Ike would take you out to a nice-ass restaurant and debate justice with you over a good bottle of wine. He looks like he’s got culture, which is not really something you can say about Moses, who seems to think that haircolor should be a factor when considering whether or not your clothes match.

See? One of these characterizations is lame and boring, and the other has at least a little story to it. If Ike has an underlying reason for being a tool, I don’t learn about it soon enough to prevent me from making fun of him for being a tool. Granted, it’s me, so estimated time-to-tool is pretty short, but still.

like installing a tracking system so friends can find you when you wander into the desert

The placement of his hand in all of his sprites also makes for some hilarious facial expressions, like he’s just on the verge of going “HMMMM” only in a different tone of voice for each one.

Look, by this point, you can tell I like Moses more as a character. I like his Terminator 2 style pull-quote (“fate that you can change whenever you like”=”no fate but what we make”), I like his stupid color palette and outfit that makes him look like the 4th Doctor, I like his character hook, and I like that at least one of his character graphics (those CG’s I mention sometimes) has you and him staring deeply into a petri dish of leopard semen.

look at ’em wiggle, hon!

I’m not joking about the leopard semen. Your character is a leopard researcher in all the game routes, and so is Moses. The game clearly says that’s what in that dish. I just didn’t take a screenshot because I didn’t think there would then immediately be a huge picture to portray their contemplation of said sperms.

and yet he looks so distressed…like he knows what he is saying is bullshit

Anyway, who you wanna vote for? I can’t tell you how to choose, baby. Moses is nice, but he’s not nearly as hilariously stupid as Ike. Look deep into your heart, because in the end, whoever wins is one step closer to becoming Your Boyfriend.

Polls will close on October 9 at midnight.